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Sleepless in Nicosia...   
02:27am 25/06/2002
 
mood: scared
I just cannot sleep right now. There are so much going on in my mind right now. So many thing have happened during the past two months. Where shall I start from?
This semester was really tough. If I had failed even one course I would have to do another extra year to complete my studies. Thank God, I passed all four courses... I still have one semester to go. It will pass too (I think to myself).
What else happened? I came home one day and my roommate was gone. For good... I knew that by the end of May she would move out but the bitter feeling of walking into an empty home was something I never thought I would experience. This past year our relationship was tense. We hardly talked to each other and we became allienated. When we finally decided to aproach one another to solve our differences, we both realised how foolishly we both acted. We cried in each other's arms for the year we had lost. We had a strange way of communicating. I would not tell her that I was in a difficult situation and she would sense that, hold me in her arms and I felt better (and vice-versa). I loved her in an inconcievable way and the night she had gone I stayed in her room, crying and reminiscing all the good and bad times we had together.
What about my family? I never was too good at expressing how I felt about someone. Over the years, I had created in my mind this flawless figure for my father and I worshiped him. He meant the world to me and I concider everything he did wise and correct. I somehow gave all my attention and love to him and I took my mother for granted. You know that thing they say: You really don't appreciate something you have until you've lost it. It's true...
Just a few weeks ago my mother felt an excruciating pain in her spine. Both the doctors she visited detected some sort of fluid between her joints and they speculated that it might be a tumor. We did not know if it was malignant or not. A speciment had to be retrieved for analysis but the spot was too difficult to reach. There was a chance of hearting vital nerves resulting to her partial or total infirmity. There was one doctor left who was an expert on such problems. He diagnosed it to be just joint inflammation and he prescribed some medication which would disolve it. When we told him what the other doctors diagnosed he just said that they were young and inexperienced and the paniced as they had never seen anything similar before during their medical pracise. He advised my mother to follow his treatment and if it failed he would proceed to do an autopsy on a speciment of the fluid. My mother is currently following his treatment and she's feeling better. At least she can now sleep at night. I hope and pray that the doctor is right. He has to be right. I can't loose her right now. I love her too much and I haven't told her yet. There are so many things I want to tell her...so many things...
What else is great in my life? My baby is facing legal problems. Two years ago he agreed to be the guarantor when his older brother wanted a loan. His brother paid the first two or three instalments and that was it. Now the bank declared him bankrupted and they want the money from Jack and his mother. The worst thing about this is that they don't agree in Jack and his mother paying in monthly instalments. They want the whole amount... The only way out of this mess is if both Jack and his mother sue Takis. Then they would be declared bankrupted but Takis not anymore so this way he will be forced to pay. But another problem rises: If Jack is declared bankrupted then no bank will give him a loan to continue his studies. It's a pretty messy situation. Takis is trying now to raise the whole amount so that Jack can pay, in order to avoid all this mess. I really don't know if I can help. I offered to talk to my dad about lending Jack some money but Jack won't hear about it. He's just so stubborn some times. The hearing of the case is on the 27th of this month. In 2 days... I pray that everything works out ok...
So much for my perfect life. I try to keep myself busy at work to keep my mind off these problems. I just hope that there better days coming up and all these will be nothing but faided memories.
I really need a friend right now...
 
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Childhood recollections   
07:48pm 17/05/2002
 
mood: nostalgic
As a child I had trouble opening up to other people, talking about my problems, my concerns and my frustrations. I guess I never wanted others to think of me as a crybaby, a weak and defenseless child. So, I developed this technique, which helped me to keep any trouble from banging my door. I wished to have no contact what so ever with my surroundings. That is, I spoke to only an ‘elite’ group of people and only when I wished to. There were times when I did not respond to people’s questions, including my parents as well. Through my childhood, I can name only three people who had an immense impact on me and whose company I thrived, for I did not have to put up any act in order to please them. They loved me for what I was.

The first person is my mother’s sister. My aunt Loulla was like a mother to me. She practically raised me. Due to the fact that she got married when I was about six years old and that I was to her the daughter she did not have at the time I was growing up, we bonded in an inconceivable way. She taught me how to sing and how to paint. My aunt had a beautiful voice and was a natural talent in painting. She used to tape me singing and she used to tape our conversations – where I may add she asked me the most bizarre and funny questions! I do not have a single memory of her getting mad at me or judging me for something that I did wrong. I do recall that she got mad at my mother once for picking on me.

It was when I went to junior school. My teachers called my parents to the school to point out to them that I presented signs of not adjusting to the school environment. I did not participate in the class even though I knew the answers, I did not talk to the other children and what’s 'worst': I could not write with my left hand like the other children! They said that I did all that in order to stand out from the rest of the class and to make the other children feel uncomfortable. From that point on my life became a living hell. My parents up to that moment did never have enough time for me. My father was just setting up his business and my mother was helping him out so I was practically raised by my aunt, as I mentioned above. As soon as they got called by the school and found out what was going on, they thought it was wiser for my mother to spend some time with me and try to fix all those signs of misbehavior. For starters, I was forced to learn how to write with my left hand. That was a terrible and painful experience. Secondly, she invited home all those children with their mothers and she forced me to play with them – even if they did end up wrecking my toys, which I loved and always took care of. That’s when my aunt came in. I never cried in front of anyone and she knew it. She knew I always cried at night under the covers or in the closet, quietly so that no one would listen to me. She asked my mother if she realized what this crusade of hers to make me congenial, was actually doing to me. My mother came to my room that night and when she found me crying in the closet she apologized and promised to back off and let me do things my way and on my time.

I never admitted this to anyone up to now but I never wanted my aunt to get married and leave me. The day I found out that she was getting married, it filled me with grief, for I thought that I would loose the one person that stood by me through all my childhood. I still envy my uncle for taking her away from me. I only wish that he realized he married a gem, a wonderful, caring and understanding person.

The second person is my father’s sister-in-law. Despite the fact that my aunt Androula lived in another city and I did not get to see her much often my mind is filled with memories of me and her. As a child, I often accompanied my father on his trips to Larnaka, in order to spend some time with my grandparents while he completed his business. I was awfully bored with them because they were no fun at all – especially my grandfather. My aunt used to come and pick me up and we had such a great time together. We went to the shops and she always bought me presents, despite of my father’s disapproval. In the afternoon we would go by the salt lake, near the airport and we would feed the ducks, or we would go the florist and buy a lot of flowers, which we later planted in her garden. I loved spending time with her, talking to her. I loved being around her and she loved having me around. Her daughter once confided in me that when the results of the University Entrance Exams were broadcasted on the radio she cried tears of joy when she heard my name amongst those who succeeded and that she kept the newspaper page with the results that had my name on, in her jewelry box. My aunt left us on December 18, 1999. She suffered of breast cancer, which eventually spread to all her body, thus destroying all her vital organs resulting to her death. A painful and excruciating death, which drained all her energy and vitality. A death she was not worthy of…

The third person is my cousin Elena. The description ‘cousin’ does not actually fit here. That girl is practically my sister. We grew up together and did everything together. We went to the same English tutoring school, we went to the same ballet class, we went to lyceum together, we went to a club for the first time together, we bailed each other out of trouble from time to time, we covered each other’s ass, we went on a lot of holiday trips together and so many other things. Despite the fact that we are two totally different characters, we bonded through the years in a way that cannot be altered or diminished by nothing and nobody. The night before her deperture to England where she would study, I did not realize that she would go away for such a long time. Only when it was time for her to leave did I realize that she would actually go away for more than a week. Up to that day the longest period of time before seeing her again was only a week. Now she would be away for a whole year. Who would I talk to now? Who would I visit in the weekend? Who would I go out with? Who would cover my ass now? We both cried in each other's arms that night and I felt then that the whole world collapsed. I always took her presence for granted and I never realized that eventually each one of us would follow a different course. We will not be able to do everything together anymore, but we will still have each other. I know that I can always confide in her and that there’s absolutely nothing that I would not tell her. I know that come what may, she will always be there for me as I will always be there for her.

What I am today, my character, my beliefs and my behavior are mostly owed to the above and the difference they made in my life. I could say that I love them but that would barely describe what I really feel for those people. May god bless you. Wherever you are, you are always in my heart.
 
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fcuking day...   
06:54pm 29/04/2002
 
mood: exhausted
i'm a wrinkled, fat, ugly bitch who has a zillion things to do and does not have a clue as to whether she will be able to accomplish all those things in JUST TWO DAYS. life sucks... big time!
 
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the cypriot thriftlessness!   
10:50pm 24/04/2002
 
mood: busy
if you are a retailer and there are certain products you could not sell during the past year there is the perfect way to sell everything off: have a clearance sale! it's amazing how products noone would normaly buy, disappear from the shelfs in a matter of 2-3 days the most. i hereby give a promise to my self that i will never go to such a clearance sale again unless they are selling earings as well! today i bought 7 more pairs and i now possess 68 pairs altogether!! i am so proud of my vast earing collection - even more proud than i am for my stamp collection! the next thing i should buy is a new earing case - my old one is just too small now!
i now have to do the following completely nonidentical tasks:
- Finish my German essay "Directions to my house"
- Implement the class 'Shark' for my java assignment 'Aquarium'
- Finish implementing Bison for my Compilers course

I miss my baby enormously...
 
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just talk...   
12:10am 24/04/2002
 
mood: lethargic
i am rapt by the obscureness and invisibility that surrounds me once the colour of the night embraces the city.
i've always yearned for that feeling. it makes me feel so secure and impenetrable... the Queen of the Night!
 
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